Since I Can't Find The Remote...

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."

"...yes well...that joke may have left a bad taste in your mouth..."

Thought I was Loved...

So, I log on to my blog, just to take a peek and make sure thoes ants that crawl over my hand and change numbers in my maths work, arn't up to mischief and what do I see, 16 COMMENTS! WHOOO HOOO! I'm loved, but my excitement is premature, so I pull my pants back on and read the comments... first one Bertha...
Second one...Bertha...
Third one......Bertha...hmmm...mmm Potato and Gravy...minus in berthas pants...mmm...pants...
ANYWAY Moving swiftly alond from my fantasies. Miss you lots Bertha! And dont stress too much about thoes ringworms at your school, they're not worth it... WE LOVE YOU! See you Soon.
Love ME!

For Dearest Bertha

I come to realise that perhaps, just perhaps, and please keep in mind that I'm not being derogrative... YOU NEED PSYCOLOGICAL HELP!
That is all...
P.S You know I love you, I could be your Therapist (the perfect oppurtunity to convince her that shes a lobster... *insert insane laugh*)

Love and all that crap bla, bla, bla, baloons,
Dan

Would your Re-marry?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
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HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Oh Shit."

The Doctors' Visit

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.


The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied,
"Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

House for Sale on ebay...

Deborah Hale, 48, has placed an ad on eBay offering to sell her home in the Washington Park area to a compatible man who wants to spend his life with her. She also has her own Web site outlining the deal.


"I'm looking for my soul mate," Hale told the Rocky Mountain News Tuesday. She did not immediately return a telephone message left at her home Wednesday.
Hale lives part-time in the 1910 bungalow-style house. She also has a jewelry business in Albuquerque, N.M.
She has received about 60 responses.
"I have to say that the e-mails that I have got have been very kind and very nice," Hale said.
The deadline for bidding is Valentine's Day 2006.

If your interested my now school finished chums her website is :http://www.housewithbride.com
Search Ebay with "House With Bride." Make a bid while your at it!

Drunken Moose

They rarely have problems with drunks or rowdy animals, but residents of an elderly home in southern Sweden had to deal with both when a pair of intoxicated moose invaded the premises.
The moose, a cow and her calf, had become drunk over the weekend by eating fermented apples they found outside the home in Sibbhult, southern Sweden.

Police managed to scare them off once, but the large mammals returned to get more of the tempting fruits.
This time the moose were drunk and aggressive, forcing police to send for a hunter with a dog to make them leave.

Police did not pursue the culprits, but made sure all apples were picked up from the area, local police chief Bengt Hallberg said.
No one was hurt.
Shame.